I can’t believe I haven’t blogged in almost a month. Apologies, if anyone was reading.
The semester is over now, my first semester of grad school. I feel pretty good about it; I think I did fairly well, and I certainly had a lot of fun. It’s nice being in a program in which I can have so much fun. I’m doing what I love, and I’m not fulfilling a bunch of distribution requirements—in classes that I don’t really want to take. I think I’m well-rounded enough at this point, after going to Wabash, so this sharper focus is a nice change of pace. Nevertheless, I struggled with my writing this semester. I know I still have quite a ways to go, things to learn about craft, but I’m willing to put in the work. This is what I want to do with my life, after all. Next semester should be great. I’m taking the second part of fiction workshop, a screenwriting class, and electronic publications. Sounds awesome!
As for life in general, some of the MFAers in my program had a Christmas party (slash end-of-the-semester party). We played the Who Wants to Be a Millionaire DVD game, Taboo, and Apples to Apples. We’re getting to know each other and having a ball. For the first time since I was a very young kid, I feel like I have a few good friends, people I can really talk to. That’s a wonderful feeling. Lori and Justin are amazing; Kari is awesome to live with; Danielle is great fun; Mike and Vinny are really down-to-earth; and I’m going to miss Wendy a ton if she decides to leave us.
This is the happiest I’ve felt in a long time.
And yet there is still something nagging at me. I can’t help but feel pissed off at Alex for abandoning me. School is tough and important, and it’s keeping him very busy, as an undergrad freshman; and then there’s the boyfriend. I get that, all of it. I really do. But we haven’t spoken at all since October 15, and sometimes I feel like scum. I don’t know if I have the right to be upset that one of my (apparently former) best friends can’t or won’t talk to me because he’s too busy with school and his boyfriend, or maybe just making up excuses. Maybe I was never really a very important friend to him. *sigh* I feel used, and that makes me feel bad. Maybe he was telling the truth about being so busy, but the fact that I sometimes don’t believe that makes me feel awful. Do I just forget about him? Remove him from my phone and my messengers? I don’t feel like I can do that. What if he finds time for me in the future and we could become friends again, for real? Can I forgive him?
Right now, I’m sitting at home in Indiana, visiting during Christmas break for a couple of weeks. I know that Alex is also home for break, just an hour or two away. I want to go see him, and yet I don’t. He hasn’t called, texted, IMed, or e-mailed, even though he’s no longer busy. I guess I’m out of the picture, and when I go back to Baltimore, and he to D.C., I still probably won’t talk to him or see him. So much for the beneficial nearbyness of our respective schools! I’ve seen him once in three months, took the MARC train to visit him in D.C. We stopped talking a month and a half after that. And I just let it go because I know he’s busy and overwhelmed. But it’s December now, two months later; this is kind of ridiculous!
I’m going in circles now. I’ll stop.
UPDATE: In a previous blog post, I mentioned being single and (I think) not dating anyone. Justin, mentioned above, is a date. At this point, we had been seeing each other for a month.